It may have started when I got a rejection letter from a job I was putting most of my hopes on. Of all the positions I've applied for in preparation for my upcoming nuptials/move to Chicago, this was the one I was most qualified for. They rejected me without even an interview. I can only think of three explanations for this: 1.) they had several internal candidates and they couldn't bother with bringing in someone from out of town, 2.) there's a bias against rural downstate applicants (people in Chicagoland don't take anyone south of I-80 seriously), or 3.) I suck.
Whenever I get a rejection letter for a job (I've received 10 of them in the past year), this is the voice I hear in my head:
REJECTED!!! RE...RE... REJECTED!!! Ba-Boom! REJECTED!!!
I've started to replace the mantra I used to have when I was single-- "No one will ever love me"-- with a new job-seeker's version: "No one will ever hire me."
But the jobsearch is not my only symptom of The Februaries. I've been irritable and have been picking fights with everyone, even other drivers. I've had several highway incidents this month that have left me in a bad mood.
My betrothed and I have had 2.5 fights this month (two fights and one intense discussion), which is odd because we hardly ever have any disagreements. I felt a lot better, however, when I discovered that other couples we know have also fought in the middle of Crate & Barrel over wedding registries.
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| Why do they have 17,000 different styles of silverware? |
My amazing tennis winning streak has ended and I'm sliding into another February tennis slump. This weekend I played in a tournament. I lost my first match but won my second. As if to mock me, I received a trophy for it. I was the "Consolation Winner." There were five guys in my bracket, and because I beat the worst guy, I got a trophy. I really didn't want it, but it would have been rude to refuse it.
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| ARGH. Although I've rotated and saved this pic four fucking times, I can't get it to show up here with the right orientation. I blame February. |
Today I noticed in the mirror that I have a lot of gray hairs on the left side of my head. I don't know why just that side. Maybe it's the latest manifestation of my leftitis, my vague annual winter ailment.
To give you a good idea of what this month has been like, perhaps the highlight was going to a funeral. I got to see my brother and sisters and mom and we laughed while texting with our oldest brother.
There's just been this dark cloud hanging over me all month. It's cold and I'm ready for spring. I have no confidence and keep feeling like no one likes me, despite evidence against it. I'm not as excited about things as I usually am.
I know that my life is good. I'm healthy, safe, well-fed, loved, and spoiled. It's just that February often gets me down. I'll be better once Spring starts. Winter can suck it.
3 comments:
I HATE February. Every year, I try to remind myself "oh, this is the month where everything seems terrible. Just hang in there, it's only 28 days."
You WILL get a great job, and then look back and be like "whew, I remember when that wasn't so far away." Hang in there.
Yeah, I know that all these rejections are just clearing the way for whatever great opportunity awaits me. It was the same way with dating. But I'm impatient and don't deal well with rejection.
Thanks for your comment and encouragement.
Congrats - you made it!
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